It was four years ago at 11pm when I got the phone call you were gone. I hadn’t meant to be gone so long from your side, but after feeding the dog, I accidentally fell asleep. I somehow knew before I answered that call that I had lost my last chance to be with you and you were gone.
Dear Gramma, it’s been four years and I have a confession to make: I lied that last day we were together. I lied to you when I said that if you were ready to go be with mother in heaven it would be ok. But I knew I had to lie or you’d keep trying to hang in there, suffering in pain.
So I asked three times if you were ready to go be with mother. Each time when you said yes, it tore at my heart but I knew it was time to let you go. I really wanted to be selfish, but I couldn’t see you suffer in pain just to ease mine.
Dear Gramma, I’m sorry. I know Christmas was always your favorite holiday, but I no longer celebrate it. Losing you two days before just stripped everything that was good about the day for me. I remember the dinners we would cook together, especially when mom was still alive. There would always be so much food, we’d have leftovers all week.
I remember how much you loved to decorate for the holidays, especially the tree with all of the ornaments that you saved over the years. After you passed, I came across that ornament I had made for you in fourth grade. I couldn’t believe you still had it. But I’m sorry, as much as I want to honor you and all the memories, it still hurts too much to pretend I’m happy Christmas is here when everything about it just reminds me you’re gone.
Dear Gramma, I’m so sorry we never got to take that trip to Europe so I could meet the extended family. I so very much wanted to see where you were born in Prague and to see where you grew up. I really thought we had more time and could wait until spring. Now, with my illness, I may not ever make it over there at all.
Dear Gramma, I try to keep my head up and, as you would say, “be strong like bull.” But the truth is you were always the biggest rock in my life. I’ve felt immensely lost every day since you’ve been gone. With you in my corner, I used to feel like I could conquer anything life had to throw at me. But since you’ve been gone and I got sick, I just feel so lost and unsure about everything. I used to do things to try to make you proud of me. Now I have to ask what is the point of it all.
Dear Gramma, I know it’s been four years but it still feels like it was just a few hours ago. I thank you for all you taught me and all the love and support you gave me while you were still here on Earth. I can only hope that I can somehow find what strength you left inside me and figure out how to continue to carry on and make things better. I miss you so very much.
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Tagged: Christmas, confessional, family memories, gramma
Big hugs to you 🙂